Be Careful What You Wish For
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: After Harley Quinn gives a more than usual disastrous performance during a job, the Joker resolves to kill her once and for all. To prevent this, Poison Ivy bets the Joker that he can't be nice to Harley for a whole week, a challenge which Joker accepts, but which Harley turns out to be none too pleased about.
1. Chapter 1

**Be Careful What You Wish For**

_The Blue Diamond _was one of the most popular of what were commonly known as "gentlemen's clubs" in the greater Gotham area. It was owned by a member of the Maroni family, one of the great crimelord families of Gotham City, and it was doing a roaring trade this particular Saturday night. The usual clientele of rich, young, single businessmen and disgruntled married men lounged on barstools, watching the entertainment on stage as a very attractive woman danced and stripped off her clothes over the sound of a pounding beat.

And then the door opened and a very unusual man entered the club, a man with green hair and dressed in a purple suit. The people who noticed him quickly averted their eyes, and began whispering curiously among themselves as the bouncers immediately strode over to him.

"Right this way, Mr. Joker. The boss is expecting you," said one, leading him through the club to a door on the far side.

"Hey, baby," said one of the strippers lounging by the door, smiling seductively at Joker. "Twenty bucks and I'll blow your slide whistle, handsome."

Joker chuckled. "Nice gag, toots," he said, eyeing her up and down. He reached into his jacket and handed her his card. "Call me sometime, sweetheart," he said, winking at her as the bouncer opened the door for him and bowed him inside.

"Joker!" exclaimed Vitto Maroni, standing up and holding out his hands. "_Amico Mio!_"

He leaned forward to kiss Joker's cheek, but he laughed, pulling away from him suddenly. "Sorry, Vitto, I never kiss on the first date!" he chuckled.

Maroni laughed too. "Funny guy, J, as usual," he said, clapping him on the shoulder instead. "It's been a long time since I heard one of your jokes!"

"Yeah, how long has it been, Vitto?" asked Joker, grinning. "I think the last time we met, you tried to shoot me through the head. Or was it the spine? Someplace fairly lethal, anyway."

Maroni shrugged. "Just business, J, as I'm sure you know. No hard feelings, right?"

Joker laughed. "I ain't a guy who bears grudges, Vitto. Happy and carefree, that's just the kinda jolly soul I am. Nice place you got here. I especially like the décor," he added, grinning at the two blondes who had been massaging Maroni's shoulders.

"Ladies, where are your manners?" asked Maroni, beckoning them. "You got a guest to see to. Take a seat, J, and help yourself to one or both of them."

Joker chuckled again. "Aw, thanks for the offer, Vitto, but I have a girlfriend," he said, sitting down and waving away the women. "I'm in kinda a committed relationship, on both sides," he giggled. "And anyway, I'm a one woman loon, always have been."

"That's right, how is Harley?" asked Maroni, returning to his seat as the women resumed their massaging. "Dame still keep up her gymnast training?"

Joker giggled. "Well, I give her plenty of acrobatic workouts if that's what you mean, Vitto," he said, grinning. "She's quite the flexible little minx."

"You're a lucky guy, J, I've always thought that," said Maroni, nodding. "Harley's a nice little piece of ass. She ever wants to give up the crime thing, she'd be more than welcome to a job here."

"I'm sure she'll be flattered," replied Joker, smiling, as Maroni offered him a cigar.

"Thanks, but I bring my own," he said, reaching inside his pocket for one. "They're a real special blend, imported from Cuba, completely legally, of course," he said, grinning as Maroni lit the cigar for him. He inhaled and puffed out, smiling. "Ah, that's the stuff! Don't you think it's a great joke, Vitto, that the things in life that make you feel the best are always the worst for you?" he chuckled. "Dames, candy, fast food, cigars, alcohol…"

"Speaking of alcohol, let's get some in here," said Maroni, buzzing an intercom. A scantily-clad woman entered a moment later, carrying a tray with a bottle of scotch and two glasses.

"None for me, thanks, I'm driving!" chuckled Joker as the girl bent down to offer him a glass. "Do you know how many innocent people are killed a year as a result of drunk driving, Vitto?"

"A shocking number, I'm sure," replied Maroni.

"Yeah, I have to struggle to compete!" giggled Joker. He inhaled the cigar again and sighed. "No offense, ladies, but that's better than a dame," he said, grinning at them.

"Yeah?" said Maroni, interested. "Got another one handy, J?"

"Sure I do," said Joker, reaching into his pocket and pulling out an identical cigar. He handed it to Maroni, who put it between his lips as Joker leaned over to light it for him. "Lemme warn you now, Vitto, it can have quite the kick…" he chuckled, as he brought the flame toward the cigar.

Suddenly, there was a commotion from outside as a familiar voice shouted, "Outta my way, jerks! Don't try to mess with me – I'm mentally unstable and a whole lotta angry!"

The door was thrown open and Harley Quinn burst into the room, glaring furiously from Maroni to the Joker. "There you are!" she hissed. "And who the hell are these people?!" she demanded, noticing the three women in the room. "Back off, bitch, he's mine!" she snapped, shoving the girl nearest Joker out of the way. "Ain't you got any self-respect?! How can you work in a place like this, demeaning yourself for men, huh?!" she snapped at the girl. "What would your parents think of ya?!"

"Harley…what are you doing here?!" hissed Joker, angrily.

She glared at him, hands on her hips. "Did you think I wouldn't notice where you'd gone?!" she demanded. "You oughta be ashamed of yourself, Mr. J! If you wanna see a gal strip, you got a willing, attractive one waiting for you at home! How could you insult me by coming here?!"

"Harley, I'm not here for pleasure!" growled Joker.

"Sure, that's what all the guys whose girlfriends catch them here must say!" said Harley, folding her arms. "Why else would you be here then?!"

"I'm here on business," he muttered, nodding at Maroni.

"Oh right, business," said Harley, rolling her eyes. "You expect me to believe that, Mr. J?! You think I'm an idiot?!"

"Yes, I do!" he snapped. "And more so than usual at the moment!" He grabbed her arm and said, forcing a smile, "Excuse us for a second, Vitto."

He dragged her into a corner. "Harley, I want you to go home right now!" he hissed. "You'll be in the way!"

"I ain't gonna leave you here with a bunch of loose women!" snapped Harley. "Ain't I good enough for you anymore, Mr. J? Why would you wanna pay to see some stranger take off her clothes? You know you just have to say the word and I'll do anything you want, however you want it…"

"I've told you, Harley, I'm here on business," he muttered, holding open his jacket to reveal his gun. "Get it?! Business?!"

A lightbulb lit up in Harley's eyes. "Oh, right, Mr. J, business!" she laughed. "You mean it's an assassination!"

At these words, Maroni ripped out his own gun, and buzzed for the bodyguards, who rushed into the room, surrounding Joker and Harley and pointing their guns at them. Joker's hands shook in fury and itched to be placed around Harley's throat as he turned to glare at her. She had clapped a hand to her mouth.

"Oops. Did I say that out loud?" she murmured.

"Yes, you did, Harley," he retorted. "But never mind. At least since I'm dying, I won't have to put up with you anymore. Although knowing my luck, there'll be an afterlife after all, and Satan will have a cruel sense of humor and stick me with you for eternity."

"I sure hope so, Mr. J!" said Harley, beaming at him. "And at least I'll get to die in your arms – my deepest dream come true! I love you, puddin'!" she breathed, embracing him and kissing him as if it was her last moment on earth, which she believed it was.

Joker was thinking up a far more practical response to imminent death, like lighting one of his exploding cigars and throwing it at the guards, when suddenly a black shape crashed through the roof, sending rubble everywhere and scattering the bodyguards. "Batsy!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "I don't think I've ever been so glad to see you!"

In response, Batman punched him in the face, knocking him to the ground, then shot a series of Batarangs at the bodyguards, knocking the weapons from their hands. He then leapt into the fray and began beating the guards one by one.

"Mr. J!" cried Harley, concerned, helping him up. She shrieked as a bullet whizzed past her head, and turned to see Maroni's smoking gun. Her eyes narrowed. "I know you," she hissed. "You tried to kill Mr. J! Nobody hurts him but me, ya hear me, creep?! Nobody!"

She leapt on him, knocking him to the ground and throttling him before he could fire again. The women had screamed and rushed from the room when the fight had begun, throwing the whole club into a chaotic uproar. Batman had finished tackling the guards and grabbed Joker as he tried to make a break for it, hitting him again and then handcuffing him. He then ripped Harley off Maroni and cuffed both of them.

"I must admit, I'm surprised to see you here, Joker," said Batman calmly. "I always thought you had more class than slime like Vitto Maroni."

"It's not what you think, Bats," piped up Harley, smiling. "Mr. J wasn't here to watch strippers – he was here to assassinate Maroni! That makes it all better, huh?"

"Maybe to you, Harley," agreed Batman, nodding. "Let's go," he snapped, pulling Maroni out the back door to the waiting Batmobile. Harley made her way over to Joker and nuzzled against his shoulder.

"Well, we're being dragged back to Arkham, but at least we're together, puddin'," she breathed, gazing at him in adoration. "That's what matters, right?"

He glared back at her but said nothing, still fuming with rage. "Right," finished Harley, agreeing with herself. She kissed him again. "I love you, puddin'. You wanna give your Harley girl one of your big, nice, pretty smiles? C'mon, baby, for me."

Joker still didn't respond, staring straight ahead. It was the final straw. Harley had ruined things for the last time. He was going to dump her, permanently, by which he meant dump her body in the gutter. The moment Bats returned them to Arkham, he was going to kill her. And he was going to laugh as he did it.

The thought did make him smile, and Harley beamed at him. "I love you, puddin'," she repeated, cuddling against him. "You wanna laugh for your Harley girl?"

"I will, pumpkin pie," he murmured, grinning. "I will soon enough, I promise you."


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey Red, you ain't seen Mr. J today, have you?" asked Harley, entering the rec room at Arkham Asylum and looking around nervously.

"No, and nor do I wish to," retorted Poison Ivy, not looking up from her magazine.

"Well, that's a relief," said Harley, sitting down next to her on the sofa. She stood up suddenly when she heard a noise from down the hall. "He's around here somewhere, see, and I'm trying to avoid him at the moment," she said, glancing at the door. "He's in kinda a funny mood, and not the good kinda funny. He promised me we could have some alone time and he got a little violent. I mean, more so than usual. He kinda tried to kill me."

"I thought you'd find that romantic, Harley, knowing you," said Ivy.

"Well, it is romantic when he tries to kill me sometimes, but this time he…he meant it. He's probably just upset that I ruined that job of his, and he can't stay mad at me, but all the same, I'd kinda like to avoid him until he cools off a little," said Harley, jumping to her feet again at a noise from outside.

"Don't you ever get sick of putting up with crap like this, Harley?" demanded Ivy, angrily. "Living your life in fear of the clown's moods?"

"I don't live my life in fear, Red," retorted Harley, but she let out a shriek and dived behind the couch as the door opened. She sighed in relief when she saw it was only Two-Face. "I ain't usually afraid of him," she continued. "But sometimes he gets in his homicidal moods and trying not to anger an unstable guy in a bad mood is just common sense. I guess I wish he didn't have those moods as often, but if you love a guy, you gotta take the rough and the smooth, am I right?"

"Only you would describe an attempt on your life as a rough patch in your relationship," growled Ivy, flipping a page in her magazine angrily.

Harley was silent. "Look, Red, I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes wish things were different," she murmured. "That I didn't wish that Mr. J would treat me better, like how you see guys treat girls in the movies or on TV. I do sometimes wish we could be like a normal couple, and that he would reciprocate all the affection I gave him. But if I really wanted things to change, I'd have to give him up, and I wouldn't do that for anything. So I put up with what I have to, and I ain't really got it so bad," she shrugged. "It's worth it in my mind, anyway."

"Which is the reason why you're considered crazy," said Ivy. "But if you want someplace to hide that's pretty effective, I recommend the drugs storeroom on the 3rd floor. It's got a loose lock which you can fiddle easily, it's only checked during mealtimes, and it's fairly soundproof."

"Good thing for you at the last Christmas party too, wasn't it, Pammie?" said Two-Face under his breath.

"I don't think anybody was talking to you, Harvey," snapped Ivy.

Two-Face shrugged. "If you do hide there, try not to knock over the Ketamine," he muttered. "It stains. Took me weeks to get it out of my suit."

"Thanks, Harvey, I'll bear it in mind," beamed Harley. "And thanks, Red, you're the greatest!" she exclaimed, hugging her. "I'll see you later, when Mr. J's rampage is over! Buh bye!"

She dashed from the room and Ivy sighed. "It would be easier if you stopped caring," said Two-Face.

"Unfortunately I can't control who I do and don't care about," retorted Ivy.

"Yeah, I know," growled Two-Face pointedly.

"But he does need to treat her better," muttered Ivy, ignoring him. "She may not care, but it hurts me to see her degraded the way she is."

Two-Face shrugged again. "J ain't gonna change."

"No," agreed Ivy, formulating a plan. "But he's a guy who likes his challenges."

"HARLEY!" came a booming shout from down the hall, and the next second the door was thrown open and Joker stormed into the room, eyes burning in fury. "Harley!" he shouted again, looking around. "Harley! Where is she?! I'm gonna beat her skull in! Harley! Come out, come out, wherever you are! Daddy can't kill you if Daddy can't find you! Yoo-hoo, Harley! Be a good girl and come to Daddy so he can break your neck! Harley!"

"She's not here, J," retorted Ivy.

"Well, where is she then, Pammie?" he demanded. "It's the end of the line for the little brat! She's ruined things for the last time!"

"What did she do this time?" sighed Ivy.

"I was gonna assassinate Vitto Maroni, y'know, the guy who owns _The Blue Diamond_."

"That is one classy joint," commented Two-Face. They both turned to look at him. "So I hear," he added.

"The guy had it coming," continued Joker. "Tried to kill me a few months back. And after he was dead, I was gonna hold up the place and make a fortune. Those strip joints have a lotta dough, all of it cash in hand too! Well, some of it's cash in hand, some of it's cash in other places," he chuckled. "I was gonna strip it to the bone - that was gonna be the punchline."

"Pretty lame punchline," muttered Two-Face.

"You come up with a better one, Bipolar Boy!" snapped Joker. "Anyway, Harley bursts in when I'm just about to off Maroni and starts telling me off for patronizing a strip club, and when I try to indicate to her that I'm there on business, she blurts out about the assassination and we nearly die! We'd probably be dead now if Batsy hadn't saved us! She's shot her useless mouth off for the last time, and now _I'm_ gonna shoot her mouth off, along with most of the rest of her face! So where is she?!"

Ivy shook her head. "I don't believe you, J. You talk about killing Harley so much that it's like the boy who cried wolf. You'll never have the guts to do it. Harley probably knows this. She's probably so used to the threats and abuse that she doesn't really notice them anymore. It's a crying shame really, that you can't treat her with the love and respect she deserves. In fact, I think you're probably incapable of being nice to her. That's kinda funny, isn't it, J? You can accomplish all these wild and crazy schemes, but something literally everyone can do, treating the person they love with tenderness and affection, is something you, the great Joker, can't do."

Joker glared at her. "Don't presume to tell me what's funny, Pammie!" he snapped. "And don't tell me what I can and can't do! I _can_ be nice to Harley, but she doesn't deserve it most of the time! She's a useless, annoying, irritating waste of space, and it's time I cut her out of my life! Literally!"

"I'm willing to bet that you can't be nice to her," retorted Ivy. "You wanna put your money where your mouth is, J? I'll be happy to put mine."

"What money?" he growled. "You ain't got any money."

"Not here," she agreed, nodding. "But next time we bust out, I've got a stash of savings hidden away. However much you were expecting to make from the strip club heist, I'll match, if you can prove to me that you can be kind to Harley for one week. One week with no abuse, no violence, no name-calling, just total and complete love, affection, and respect. There's no way in hell you'll be able to do it."

"I want in on that bet," said Two-Face. "I'll double Pammie's wager. Probably the easiest several thousand grand I'll ever make."

Joker glared at him, then pulled up a chair and sat down across from Ivy. "All right, toots, let's talk," he muttered. "Nice is a really vague word – tell me exactly the terms of the bet."

Ivy nodded. "Go see if anyone else wants in, Harvey, while I outline the rules to J. Take a look at that, clown," she said, tossing the magazine she had been reading at him as Two-Face left the room. "_5 Ways to Treat Your Woman Like the Angel She Is_."

Joker skimmed the list. "This is clearly written by a bunch of bland, drippy dames," he muttered. "Harley wouldn't like any of this crap."

"All women like this kinda crap," retorted Ivy. "You gotta abide by that list for one week, J, or you lose the bet."

Joker glared from the list to her, and then back again. "_Number 1_," he read aloud. "_Tell her you love her several times a day. Once an hour if possible. Number 2 – Hold hands with her and hug her whenever you're together. She'll appreciate the physical contact. Number 3 – Call her by an affectionate nickname. She'll adore a name created specially by you for her. Number 4 – Shower her with gifts and compliments; she deserves all you have to give her, and more. Number 5 – Kiss her often, for no reason at all. She needs to know she's loved, and not just for her body. _Pammie, this is sickening."

"You wanna not take the bet, fine," retorted Ivy, shrugging. "No skin off my nose. I understand if you think you can't do it…"

"Oh, I can do it, Pammie," he snapped. "But it won't be pleasant for any of us. You sure you wanna inflict this on Harley, fine, but don't blame me when she comes begging you to make it stop."

"I think she'll appreciate the change," said Ivy. "You taking the bet or not, J?"

"The boys are all in," said Two-Face, re-entering the room. "All of them matching Pammie's wager. Nygma responded with a riddle: 'What do you call a man who wouldn't take a bet he was sure to win? A fool.'"

Joker glared at him again, and then turned to Ivy. "All right, Pammie. Bet's on. Shake," he said, holding out his hand.

Ivy shook her head. "I've fallen for the joy-buzzer too many times, J. Your word is as good as your hand. But if I find out you've cheated, I'll hurt you. Badly."

Joker chuckled. "Ah, I love it when you talk dirty, Pammie!" he giggled. "Guess I have to say goodbye to that for a week, though. Being nice to Harley doesn't include being dirty with Harley, which is kinda crazy when you think about it. Harley likes nothing better than having her engine revved after a torrent of verbal and physical abuse. And you wanna take all that away from her. You're a really crap friend."

Ivy was about to respond with an insult, when Harley suddenly entered the room. "Red, I can't get the lock on the storeroom to…" she began, but stopped and froze when she saw Joker, who looked at her intently, rising slowly from the chair.

"Now…now calm down, puddin'…" began Harley, backing away from him slowly, terrified. "I didn't mean to blow the heist…it was an accident…I know you're angry, but I'm really, really sorry, puddin', and I'll never do it again, and…"

She had backed against the wall and Joker towered over her. She gulped, shutting her eyes tightly and waiting for imminent pain. She was stunned when instead of hitting her, he seized her in his arms and kissed her passionately. "Angry, baby?" he said, beaming at her. "How could I ever be angry at my adorable little Harley girl? She's just the cutest, most precious little baby in the whole universe, yes, she is!" he cooed, pinching her cheek affectionately.

Harley gaped at him in astonishment. "M…Mr. J?" she stammered. "You feeling all right?"

"Of course I'm feeling all right, pooh bear," he said, patting her head. "And aren't you just a little sweetheart for asking? How could I not feel amazing when I got such an amazing little woman as my doll? Do you know how special you are to me, Harley baby? Do you know how much Daddy needs his little girl to put a smile on his face? Well do you, my sweet, precious little angel?"

He kissed her again, cuddling her tenderly. Harley was still staring at him, dumbfounded, but quickly recovered, beaming at him and kissing him in return. "Gee, Red, what did you do to him?" she asked, smiling at Ivy.

She shrugged. "I got him to see reason the only way he'll understand," she retorted. "Enjoy it while it lasts, Harley."

"Oh, I will," giggled Harley. "This is the best thing ever, Red!" she exclaimed, leaping into Joker's arms. He kissed her again.

"I love you, Harley," he murmured.

"Oh, Mr. J!" sighed Harley, nuzzling his face. "I love you too, puddin'."

"I'm starting to regret this already," muttered Two-Face to Ivy, as he watched Joker and Harley's displays of over-affection with disgust. "J was right - this ain't gonna be pleasant for any of us."


	3. Chapter 3

"Can you not do that now?" snapped Jonathan Crane at dinner. "Some of us are trying to eat!"

Ivy too was trying not to choke on her food, because it was impossible to ignore the revolting sight of Joker and Harley feeding each other, using their forks when the other inmates were lucky, and using their mouths when they weren't. Especially as Harley kept moaning and squealing in delight, making the whole act seem much filthier than it actually was.

She groaned again and Crane dropped his fork, shutting his eyes tightly and burying his face in his hands. "Please stop it now!" he begged.

"Sorry, Johnny, I'll try to enjoy it quietly," murmured Harley, grinning at Joker. "Mr. J just ain't usually so…affectionate, and it really revs me up. Maybe later tonight, puddin', I can swallow something else of yours, hmm?" she whispered in his ear.

He shook his head. "No, no, Harley girl, tonight is all about you, my precious little pumpkin! Daddy J is gonna make his baby feel real special and loved, because he does love his Harleykins more than anything in the whole wide world, yes, he does," he murmured, kissing her.

"Harleykins?" repeated Harley, frowning slightly. "You like Harleykins, puddin'?"

Joker chuckled. "Sure I do, because I'm talking about you, cupcake!" he giggled. "But if you don't like it, I'll think up another one, pooki-pie. Anything for you, schnooky-wookums. You like either of those, baby?"

"Not really," replied Harley. But she shrugged and threw her arms around his neck again. "But if you like 'em, baby, I'd be more than happy to love 'em too, just the way I love you."

"I told you, Harley, it's all about you now," said Joker, patting her head. "It's what _you_ want and what _you_ love and whatever will make _you_ feel as special and loved as you are by me, my sweet little muffinkins."

"Don't think I'm gonna like anything ending in 'kins', puddin'," murmured Harley, frowning again. She then beamed at him adoringly. "Oh, Mr. J, this is wonderful!" she sighed. "Just like a dream come true! Ain't it like a dream, Red?" she asked Ivy.

"Yes. And I hope it's one of those dreams that ends with everybody in it dying," muttered Ivy.

"Aw, you're just jealous, Red, because you ain't got a fella who's as loving and loyal to you as my puddin' is to me," sighed Harley, stroking Joker's hair back.

He kissed her. "I love you, my Harley-Warley-Woo," he murmured.

"And I love you, my gorgeous, handsome, sweet, strong puddin'!" sighed Harley.

The other inmates were glaring at Ivy, and she had to admit, she regretted making the bet. While it was nice to see Harley happy, they were a sickeningly sweet couple now, and as such, an intensely annoying one.

"Now what would make my Harley kitten a very happy girl?" asked Joker. "Daddy J wants to give his special little baby a nice little present because she deserves something for being such a sweet, adorable little angel."

Harley giggled. "I've got a great idea about what you could give me, puddin'," she murmured. She began whispering in his ear and he chuckled.

"Now Harley-Warley, those are some very bad thoughts for such a good little girl," he replied, grinning. "Daddy would spank you, but I don't think spanking would be considered nice, do you, Pammie?"

"Not really, no," agreed Ivy.

"Aw, but it_ is_ nice, puddin'," pressed Harley, frowning slightly again. "Your Harley loves it when you punish your bad little girl."

"Well, I want my Harleybug to be a good little girl from now on, ok, sweetness?" he asked. "Because good little girls get presents from Daddy, and bad little girls get nothing, isn't that right, muffincakes?"

"Oh…yeah…sure, Mr. J," Harley replied, still frowning. "So…you don't want me to pop your gun tonight?"

Crane stood up and stormed out of the room, leaving his meal unfinished. "Geez, some guys just can't be happy for ya," sniffed Harley.

"I told you, baby, from now on it's all about you," said Joker. "Whatever will make you happy is what I wanna do, pumpkin pie."

"But it makes me happy to make you happy, puddin'," replied Harley, cuddling him.

"That's because you're such a sweet, generous, thoughtful little honeybear," cooed Joker. "Ain't I just the luckiest man in the world, guys?" he asked the room in general. "Just look at that adorable little face," he purred, squeezing her chin in his hand. "It just makes me wanna kiss it over and over again."

"No reward is worth this," muttered Two-Face, watching Harley squealing in delight as Joker planted kisses all over her face.

"We should all try to be happy for Harley," said Ivy. "After all, she doesn't get this very often."

"Thank God," retorted Two-Face.

Ivy had to admit, as nice as it was to see her friend happy, she would rather be beaten up by Batman than spend another second in Joker and Harley's company. The rest of the evening was spent with Ivy trying futiley to ignore them, and as the days passed, things only got worse. Whenever Joker and Harley were in the same room together, they were all over each other, and by the fourth day, Ivy had resolved to just stay in her cell and only emerge from it at mealtimes. She was also thinking of asking the guards if she could be served food in her cell for the rest of the week, so she could avoid the cringe-worthy displays as much as possible.

That night, she was surprised to see Harley re-enter her cell next to hers and sigh heavily. "Harley?" she said, concerned. "Are you ok?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, fine, Red," sighed Harley, sitting down on her bed and putting her chin in her hands. "I've just come from Mr. J's. We were getting a little…intimate and…and…something that used to happen don't happen anymore."

Ivy squeezed her eyes shut. "I really, really don't want to hear about how the clown is impotent, Harley. But it's only natural that as guys get older, they have a harder time getting it up. I recommend dressing up as Batman or something, that'll clearly excite him…"

"I wasn't talking about that," snapped Harley. "I was talking about…hitting me. He used to give me a little pain to get me in the mood. But now, nothing. Just a lot of kissing and affection and talk about how sweet and precious I am. He didn't call me useless or worthless once. Not once, Red. He asked me about my feelings. Why would he care about my feelings? What do they matter? He's never cared about them before."

"Surely you should be pleased by that, Harley," said Ivy.

"Well…yeah, it just ain't very Mr. J, y'know? He's not been acting like himself for a little while now and I'm starting to get worried. I mean, tonight…tonight was the tenderest, most gentle lovemaking ever. I hated it so much! He kept asking me if he was hurting me, genuinely concerned about that, as if I didn't want to be hurt! He was all careful about my pleasure and my enjoyment and it didn't satisfy me nearly as much as it usually does. And…and afterward he…he…wanted to cuddle! Mr. J wanted to cuddle me, Red!" Harley burst into tears, sobbing loudly.

"I don't understand why that upsets you," retorted Ivy.

"Because it ain't like him! I love Mr. J, and he ain't acting at all like Mr. J acts! It's just weird and creepy and I don't like it! Can't you make it stop, Red? He's acting this way because of something you said, ain't he? Can't you make things go back to the way they were? I'd give anything to have my Mr. J back."

"What, you mean that selfish, disgusting, abusive creep?" demanded Ivy.

"Yeah," sighed Harley, dreamily. "He'd hit a gal so she'd really feel the pain. He'd make a gal feel useless and worthless and all those really dirty things that really rev me up. He'd rev me hard, so hard it would really, really hurt, and afterwards he'd shove me away and tell me to go fix him a drink. What a guy!"

"Harley, you can't honestly enjoy being treated like crap!" snapped Ivy.

"I enjoy being treated like Mr. J's girl," retorted Harley. "And that's how Mr. J treats his girl. At least that's how he used to. I miss him so much, Red!" she sighed.

"Harley, you're the one who wished things could be different," said Ivy.

"I know. And I'm sorry for ever wishing that. I guess you never know how good you got it until it's gone, huh, Red? I'd give anything in the world to have my abusive Mr. J back," she murmured forlornly.

"Well, you'll have him back at the end of the week, I imagine," retorted Ivy.

"Why? What's happening at the end of the week?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"I just think J is going to have a little change of heart," replied Ivy.

"I sure hope so," sighed Harley. "I can't stand much more of this affectionate crap. It's enough to drive a gal crazy."


	4. Chapter 4

"Harley-Warley-Woo!" called Joker the next day, striding into the rec room. "I've got a surprise for you, my precious little snugglekitten!"

"I ain't a cat!" snapped Harley, angrily flipping the channels on the TV. She was completely fed up with this new Joker, and no longer had the patience to play along.

"No, but you are my precious little snugglekitten, ain't ya, baby?" he purred, going over to hug her.

"Stop touching me!" she shouted, shoving him away. "Just keep your hands to yourself, would ya?"

"Aw, you're cute when you're angry, Harleypooh," he sighed adoringly. "And look what your loving Mr. J has got for ya!"

He returned a moment later with a painted canvas, a picture of the two of them kissing and _Joker Loves Harley Quinn Forever _written across the top. "I made it just for you, cuddlepie!" he said, beaming.

Harley gazed at it in a mixture of frustration and fury, and suddenly punched her fist through the canvas. "What's wrong with you, Mr. J?!" she sobbed, seizing him around the collar. "Why are you doing this to me?!"

"I don't know what you mean, hugglecakes, I thought you'd love it," said Joker, surprised. "I thought you'd love it as much as I love you, my precious pumpkie-wumpkin. I do love you, y'know…"

"Stop saying that!" shrieked Harley. "And why do you keep glancing at the clock when you do?!"

"Just wanna make sure you hear it at least every hour," replied Joker, grinning. "You deserve to hear it as often as possible, my little snuggly-wuggly-woo!"

"Would you cut it out with the nicknames?!" demanded Harley. "I mean it, Mr. J, I ain't gonna play with you anymore! You don't stop right now and I'm gonna get tough!"

"You know I'll enjoy whatever you do, my precious little snugglemuffin," he cooed, leaning forward to kiss her.

"Just back off!" snapped Harley, shoving him away again. "All right, Mr. J. If you're gonna push me, I got no choice. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this but…" She thought desperately. "But…but…but the whole you and me thing is a lie. Always was. I'm madly in love with Batman. I'm only using you to get close to him. He's who I think about when we're making love."

Joker chuckled. "Well, that's ok, pooh, so do I! I'm kinda mad for him myself. That cute little costume of his and those rock-hard abs would drive anyone wild, wouldn't they, Harleykins?" he murmured, leaning forward again.

Harley punched him in the face. "I ain't Harleykins!" she shrieked. She hit him again, hard. "Now, c'mon, Mr. J, hit me back!" she hissed, half furiously and half pleadingly. "Please hit me back! Please stop all this being nice to me crap and act like the man I fell in love with! C'mon, give me a good, strong punch, please, please, please, please, please!"

Joker stared at her. "Now Harley, that wouldn't be a very nice thing to do to my schnooky-wooky-wookums, would it?" he asked. "And I gotta be nice to the dame I love, ain't that right, Pammie?"

"Hmm?" Ivy had been trying to ignore them by watching TV, but was brought back to reality when her name was mentioned.

"Hitting Harley wouldn't be a nice thing for me to do, and I gotta be nice to her, don't I, Pammie?" he asked, grinning.

"No, no, no, you don't!" cried Harley. "You don't gotta do that at all! Please stop it, Mr. J, please! I'm begging you! Red, tell him he can stop!"

Ivy glared at Joker and then said, "Harley, can you excuse us for a moment, please?"

"Sure Red, no problem," said Harley, rushing from the room.

Joker's adoring smile dropped the moment she left. "Getting cold feet, Pammie?" he chuckled. "Thinking you'll lose after all?"

"If it were up to me, I'd make you finish the week," she retorted. "But I can't stand to see Harley suffer anymore. Although you look like you can't take much more of it either, J. I thought I saw a vein in your temple throbbing for an instant back there, and your smile looked a little forced when she was talking about Bats."

Joker shrugged. "It's a difficult act to keep up, but for that amount of money I'd do almost anything."

"Well, I won't hurt Harley anymore," retorted Ivy. "Although apparently that's what she likes, but she is crazy. I'm willing to call off the bet if you are."

"What, you mean neither of us wins?" demanded Joker. "That's the worst kind of result, Pammie! I loathe ties – it just makes both of you the losers!"

"Or both of you the winners, depending on your perspective," replied Ivy. "In this case, neither of us gets a vast amount of money, but you get to stop fawning over Harley, and I get to stop having to watch it. That's a good result in my book."

Joker nodded slowly. "You make a fair point. After all, what's the good of money if you're too crazy to enjoy it? And any more of this lovey dovey crap is gonna drive me stark raving bonkers. Ok, Pammie, bet's off."

"I gotta consult the guys first…" began Ivy.

"Anything that makes the horror stop is fine by me," said Crane, looking up from his book. "And I'm sure the others are in agreement."

Ivy nodded and returned her attention to the TV as Joker sat down next to her on the sofa and watched the screen. He didn't hear Harley approaching from behind with a lamp, which she suddenly smashed into the back of his head.

Joker cried out in pain and whirled around furiously. "Don't hit me, you little brat!" he roared, snatching the lamp from her hands and smashing it on the ground. He then threw her a punch that sent her flying into the back wall.

Harley rose to her feet slowly, beaming. "Puddin'?" she whispered. "Oh, puddin', you're back!" she squealed, leaping into his arms and covering his face with kisses.

"Yeah, yeah, get offa me, you worthless dame!" he growled, shoving her away.

"Oh, Mr. J!" she breathed, adoringly. She beamed at Ivy. "Thanks, Red, I dunno what you did to get him back, but I owe you big time!"

"I just called off the bet, Harley," replied Ivy.

Harley looked confused. "What bet?"

"Pammie bet I couldn't be nice to you for a week," retorted Joker. "A week without abuse and violence, treating you with nothing but respect, love, and affection."

Harley stared from him to Ivy. "Red," she gasped. "How could you do that to me? How could you be so cruel?!"

"I thought it would be a nice change!" snapped Ivy. "How am I supposed to know you enjoy being used as a punching bag?"

"Because you're supposed to know me, Red!" snapped Harley. "You're my best friend!"

"I guess I just didn't realize how crazy you actually were, Harley," retorted Ivy. "Crazy and stupid, to enjoy the clown abusing you and taking advantage of you! Some would call that completely idiotic!"

Harley glared at her, then without warning punched her in the face. "Take it back, Red!" she shrieked. "I ain't stupid! I ain't, I ain't, I..."

Ivy immediately returned the blow, and the two were soon in a fight, struggling on the floor. Two-Face and Crane hurried over to pull them apart, but Joker held up a hand to stop them.

"Just think about it for a second, boys," he murmured, staring at the fight. "Does anybody actually wanna stop this?"

Two-Face looked at the girls and shook his head. "I do not."

"Typical guys," growled Ivy. "Always thinking with your…"

"Clock this one, Red!" snapped Harley, punching her in the back of the head.

The Arkham guards rushed to pull them apart at last, which was good for Harley, as Ivy had managed to get her into a headlock and was punching her repeatedly. The guards dragged Ivy back to her cell and Joker glared at Harley in disgust.

"I can't believe you lost, Harley," he growled. "You really are a useless, worthless waste of space, aren't you?"

"Yeah, puddin'," murmured Harley. "Yeah, I am." She sighed in relief, nuzzling her head against his shoulder. "Thank goodness things are back to normal, huh, puddin'?"

In response, he shoved her to the ground and went back to watching TV. "Yeah," sighed Harley, answering herself again. "I love you too, puddin'."


	5. Chapter 5

Harley yawned and stretched, rubbing her eyes and looking around the empty bed as she heard the shower running in the bathroom. She sighed in contentment and curled up onto Joker's side of the bed, breathing in the smell of him. They had broken out of Arkham the day before, returned to their hideout the night after, and Harley had got to completely enjoy having her Mr. J back. It had been a rough night of violence and pain, with occasional moments of tenderness, just the way she liked it.

She sighed again, remembering. Then she heard the telephone ring. With Mr. J in the shower, and his answering machine recording usually frightening off messages, she had no choice but to answer it, so she looked around for her clothes. None of hers appeared to be at hand, strew over the fan and the top of the closet, so she grabbed Mr. J's shirt and jacket and went down the hall to answer the telephone.

"Hello?" she murmured, sleepily.

"Hi. Is the Joker there?" said a female voice on the other end.

"He's not available at the moment – who's calling, please?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"My name's Brandi. I work at _The Blue Diamond_. The Joker gave me his card when he was there and told me to call him sometime."

"He…what?" stammered Harley.

"He told me to call him. Who's this?"

"This? This is his girlfriend!" shouted Harley. "Harley Quinn! Ring any bells, ya dumb floozy?!"

"Oh. I thought he dumped you. I thought he was looking for a new henchwench – I figured that's why he gave me his card."

"Yeah, well, you thought wrong!" snapped Harley. "We're madly in love, get me?! He ain't ever gonna need a new henchwench, so why don't you just lose that card, Brandi, and never call here again, or it won't be funny!"

She slammed the phone down and heard the shower turn off. A moment later, the Joker emerged from the bathroom wearing his purple robe. "Aw, ain't you just a picture in Daddy's clothes?" he said, smiling at her. "Who was on the phone, pumpkin pie?"

Harley slapped him across the face. "You jerk!" she shrieked. "How could you give your number to a stripper?!"

"My…oh yeah, that. That was just a little harmless flirting, pooh…"

"Harmless flirting?!" repeated Harley, furiously. "There ain't no such thing as harmless flirting! You don't see me going around giving my number to guys, do ya?! Maybe I'll start doing that if you think it's ok! Maybe next time the Bat busts us, I'll give him my number! How would that make you feel, you selfish creep?!"

"I think it would make me…kinda angry, pooh," he murmured, grinning at her. "And you'd like that, wouldn't you, you little minx?"

"Whaddya mean?" demanded Harley.

"I mean, why do you think I'd do something like that if I didn't want to get caught?" he whispered. "If I didn't want my Harley girl to find out about it and get all cute and angry and jealous, just like she is right now? Y'know, pooh, both of us like a little rough treatment from time to time. Maybe I'd like my Harley girl to teach me a lesson about not being a naughty boy ever again. Would you like that, baby?"

"Oh…oh yeah, Mr. J," murmured Harley, smiling. "Oh yeah, I really would."

He kissed her. "See, the thing is, pooh," he murmured. "I'd never really want anyone but my Harley girl. Because nobody else can take the pain I need to give them the way my Harley girl can. And nobody else could ever love the pain as much as my Harley girl does. Ain't that right, pooh bear?"

"That's right, puddin'," she breathed, kissing him.

He spanked her. "Now go make breakfast, you useless dame," he said, returning to the bedroom to get dressed.

Harley beamed after him. "I love you too, puddin'," she whispered. Then she bounced off to the kitchen, whistling.

**The End**


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